Here is 16 year old me, looking happy and beautiful on junior prom day. But this is just a picture; a misconception of who I was at that time.
I was sitting in my science class when all of a sudden my heart started to race and I got this feeling of impending doom sweeping over me. It took a minute for me to gather myself but when I seemed to recover, I looked at my friend and asked if I looked okay. She stated that I looked a little off and I ended up going to the nurses office, thinking that I just wasn’t feeling good. Everything checked out and I went back to class.
The next day I was sitting in my English class when the same thing happened; heart racing and a feeling of impending doom. I ended up going to the nurses office again and went home early because I wasn’t feeling great. This occurrence turned into a continuous cycle the remainder of my high school career; sitting in class, heart racing, impending doom, nurses office, sent home.
But what was really going on? I went to the doctors because clearly something wasn’t right. After an EKG and some blood work, everything checked out and I was fine. With this “cycle” continuously reoccurring, I started to not eat because I was sick to my stomach more days than not and lost about 10-15 pounds. I started confiding myself in my house, not wanting to go hangout with friends or go see family. It started to impact my schooling and I was at the risk of not graduating because I was never at school, and was falling behind in many of my classes.
Knowing nothing about what was really going on, I naturally turned to google (never do this). I spoke to my mom and with some time, I ended up going to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked me, what seemed like 500 questions, and then came up with some labels to slap on me; depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I was put on medication and was hoping this would be the end, that everything would go back to normal with on little pill and I could get back to my happy go lucky self. Wrong.
I was never told that medication could give you horrible side effects, like not sleeping at night or just not actually working. My anxiety never got better and I still wanted to hide in the house and never leave. My psychiatrist’s solution to this was to continue increasing my medication, which didn’t help. I ended up switching psychiatrists and had a doctor now that listened to me.
This entire transition from psychiatrist to psychiatrist brought me to the end of my high school career, and without many challenges, I was able to graduate. I walked across that stage so happy that I could cry because high school was behind me and maybe all the struggles I was having would end. Once again, wrong.
Freshman year of college came and I was thrilled but nervous. I was on a medication that really worked for me; I considered it my “magic” pill because I felt zero anxiety and was back to living life care free.
Fast forward one year; end of the summer going into my sophomore year of college, currently working in a factory doing my job like I did all summer. Heart began to race, impending doom swept over me, and here is where everything came rushing back. My “magic” pill stopped working with my body and I was back to square one.
Between sophomore year of college and present time, 2019, I have been on three different medications in attempts to find that “magic” pill again, which hasn’t happened. I have been in therapy, on and off, and I try my best to do self-care to manage my symptoms when I can. But between sophomore year of undergrad and now, life didn’t stop with the curve balls or stress. I continued to work full-time, entered and graduated from a masters program, lost my grandfather, got engaged, made new friends and lost some; endless stress.
The last medication that I was put on and have been on since maybe 2015, has worked really well with me but not without some risk. This medication has a short half-life, which means it is out of my system in 24-hours where others, it may take a week for it to completely exit the body. With this medication having such a short half-life, missing a dose becomes dangerous because the body immediately starts to withdrawal from the medication since it needs it to maintain it’s balance.
With ending my graduate program and continuing on with my life, I made the decision to start coming off this medication since it impacts the body so dangerously. But of course, this has been without risk. Some even compare coming off this medication as coming off one of America’s top killers at the moment; heroin.
With how my journey has been for the past 8 years and dealing with my mental health, I know I am not alone, even when I feel that I am. I have decided to start sharing my experiences with my mental health with all of you who decide to join the journey with me. I also want those who do feel alone to know that they are not, that mental health is as prevalent as physical health issues.
I hope you enjoy following me during my journey and thank you for joining me!
Rationally Irrational; 